The End

This song is ending, but the story never ends. -quote from Doctor Who

On Kuttu’s last day, I woke up to find him lying behind my spin bike. Ro, who had spent the night with him on my office floor said “He got up, fell, got up, fell, then just settled behind your exercise bike”. Kuttu used to hang out in my home office a lot. It was “mama’s room”. As I went closer to Kuttu, he threw up and then did something he hadn’t done for more than 24 hours. He stood up, and walked. Even on his last day, he was too dignified to soil the house. Ambling slowly to the door, he stood there looking confused. The step down was too big. Marc rushed over and carried him to the yard to do his business, and then brought him back to bed. We all sat around Kuttu, read him my tribute letter one more time, and sang Kuttu’s Song to him. We carried him into the SUV with his bed, and Marc drove to the vet while Ro and I hung out in the back, cuddling Kuttu.

Once at the vet, we (Marc) again carried him in, while Ro brought the dog bed and laid it on the floor. We said goodbye and good night to our sweet boy. Marc cradled his face, while I patted his shoulders, and Ro touched his ears. We bawled our hearts out while the vet injected euthanasia medication into his IV port. Within a minute, his heart had stopped. We continued talking to him, wishing him peace, telling him we loved him, and that he was a good boy. Then we sang him Kuttu’s Song for one last time.

Loading him into the car, we drove to the crematorium. We declined the body bag, transporting him instead on his dog bed, wrapped in towels. Ro decorated his cremation container. Marc stepped out to grieve privately, while Ro and I hugged Kuttu’s body one last time. He was still so warm, so soft, so Kuttu.

“Take a picture of the last time I can hug him”

The cremation box. Ro decorated it with socks (the boomerang shaped things), a sketch of him & Kuttu sleeping together, and little messages for his sweet dog.

Kuttu’s last journey

Last sleep at home, covered with warm towels

Last days

Kuttu had been slowing down for a few days, but on Thursday Dec 31, he fell off a cliff. He barely ate breakfast, slept all day, and declined his NYE special salmon dinner. But when we had visitors over for NYE, he socialized with everyone. He spent most of the time in his bed, and a little girl hung out with him all evening. Friday morning, it was undeniable that something was wrong. He wasn’t getting up at all. He was awake, and looking at us with a mix of exhaustion and some confusion as to not being able to move. Marc carried him out multiple times that day to potty. At first, Kuttu was able to stand for a bit and do his business. I thought some nausea meds and pain killers would help him recover. But later, he couldn’t get up even to drink water. Marc gave him a liter of subq fluids over the day, and we decided that short of a miracle, we would euthanize him the next morning.

Kuttu, decorated with stuffies on Thursday night. We didn’t yet realize how final things were.

Potty break Friday morning. He walked himself for a bit when we carried him out.

Last week

The last week with Kuttu was his gift to us. We had returned from our Christmas trip to NM to find Kuttu slightly slower, but still himself. He hung out with us, walked over with his recognizable swish-swoosh gait when he heard me warming his meals, and spent his evenings in the TV room with us, where we gave him fluids. He started a new habit of sleeping on Ro’s bed (much to Ro’s delight). By Tuesday, he was eating noticeably less. I was concerned but not worried – we had been through several such phases in the past. We continued his medical regimen. Wednesday evening was the first sign of trouble, when both Marc and I came home from work and commented about how Kuttu had not been getting up to greet us. We would walk over and get a tail wag, but no further enthusiasm. Our little boy was losing his quality of life.  The whole week had been a gift from him. He slept with Ro, held on for us, and when he declined, he made it so clear that he had to go, there was no doubt.

Walking around with a ball when too tired to play

Kuttu and Ro cosleeping

His Life

Today I spent time going over all the pictures we have online of Kuttu. He giant roadtrip from CA, his canoeing adventure, various camping trips, vacations to Taos, to Hot Springs, to Kerrville. He lived a full life. He was the happiest dog ever, be it swimming, eating green markers, or destroying our family’s socks. Till his major surgery in Jun 2015, he had never been really sick. And he bounced back beautifully even from that surgery, defying all odds to live another year and a half. And what a bonus these months have been. To the end, he lived true to his ideals: Love all people. Eat all food. Don’t walk too close to poop.

I love him and miss him dearly. I hesitate to wake up because I know I won’t hear his swish-swoosh stride, see his gentle face rocking slowly as he ambles over to me for scratches. I would have given him years off my life, but instead he asked me to end his life with love and dignity. While my sweet old man is gone, he will live on in our hearts, in my Kuttu tattoo, and in vivid memories of his bright & happy life. We’ll remember him like this.

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