Tangible Objects
When Kuttu passed, I made a handful of keepsakes so I would have something to touch and look at. I have a key chain with his fur, as does Ro. We have his engraved urn with us, and I used some of the ashes from it to commission this glass ornament. The colors were chosen for his beautiful eyes, and the flecks of white and grey are his ashes.
Kuttu’s glass ornament
On most mornings, I light a candle and have coffee with Kuttu (Kuttu’s glass ornament). It brings me some calm and allows me to feel his absence as well as his past presence. Our days are so busy that nobody has time to grieve. We shove our loss away, always waiting for a better moment to be able to deal with it. There is no better moment. There are inopportune moments, like when you are driving and need your eyes to be dry and clear, or when you are at work. Other than that, I have learned to just let the thoughts in, and miss my Kuttu when I miss him, and not just when it is safe to miss him.
Ro has been doing the same. Initially he avoided mentioning Kuttu. The few times his emotions got the better of him, he would completely break down and be inconsolable. Recently, I’ve noticed a slight change. He will mention Kuttu more often, acknowledging both the massive loss, as well as the sense that our love has a measure of permanence that Kuttu’s body did not. If I have my “coffee with Kuttu” ritual during the weekend or evening, Ro will often join me and swap stories about silly and sweet things our old man did.
We have started a new habit of playing board games at night, and the coffee table is the preferred venue for this activity. We usually set aside the glass ornament, candle, and the vase to make space for our game. On the last two occasions, Ro set Kuttu’s glass in his lap instead. The second time this happened, he hugged the glass and talked to it.
“I miss you Kuttu. But you are in our memories now, and you can live there forever.”
He said it perfectly. As we acknowledge what we’ve lost, and reminisce about the smiles Kuttu brought, I am glad we have a few tangible reminders that we can hold, talk to, and have coffee with.